Tuesday, December 1, 2009

I'm a sucker...

grrrr... I can never fully forget about him. Everytime I tell myself I'm through with him, he does or says something cute that reminds me I'm a sucker for him. I mean honestly, if nothing has happened between us in the 3+ years we've known each other, then nothing's going to happen. I'm not looking for a husband, but I guess I'd like some semblance of a relationship. Anyway... back to the topic at hand... what is it about him that's so attractive to me? SERIOUSLY! One of my biggest issues with him is the communication between us. It's rare for him to actually respond to my text messages. And that's a serious pet peeve for me. He texts me first, for ONCE, says something vaguely sweet, and I'm "sprung" all over again. SMH

in short: I'm obviously not a priority in his life, But I'd still make him a priority in mine. I'm so pathetic...


so I guess this is one of those times where I'm at a crossroad of life (cue Bone-Thugz-N-Harmony). I'm recently single and looking for attention. I guess I'm finally okay with admitting that I really just want some attention. is that wrong? There's someone that's caught my eye, but I'm not sure I caught his. maybe I should give the history behind it all. Long story short: we might a WHILE ago (like 3 years) and we started talkin. but it was one of those things that never went anywhere. He was too busy and I was way more into him than he was into me. but we kept in touch, out-of-the-blue text messages every-so-often. but recently, we got "reacquainted." and the word to describe the way i'm feeling now is "sprung" and yeah, I'm damn near ashamed to say it. We hung out and slept. There was no sex, but there was some grade-A cuddling. And I can admit that it felt damn good to cuddle. But i think that's where it ends. To quote a popular cliche, I'd gladly make him a priority in my life (he already takes up too much of my thoughts) but I doubt I'd ever be a priority in his.

And after much thought, I've decided to just let it go. I'd like to get to know him better, but I don't think it's going to happen. And of course, this means I have to stop texting him. It's gonna be hard, but atleast I have the girls to keep me on the right track.

ps. I'm single. I'm not cheating. lol

Friday, July 31, 2009

... 1 is the loneliest number...

So... I think it's sad that I've reached a point where I look around and realize I have no friends. On a serious note, i have friends, but they are all in different places (mostly Georgia) for the summer. So I guess I should rephrase that to say "I have no friends in the Durham/Chapel Hill Area." Maybe I've led a slightly isolated life. I was only close to a couple people at my high-school (i guess that's what happens when you send a black girl to an all-white private school on  a scholarship). And I never really had friends in Durham outside of my school because I lived so far away. And now that i'm back for the summer, this whole situation is startin to really suck. I don't have anyone to go out with, see a movie with, or just hang out with. sometimes I just wanna hang with the girls for a little while and I HAVE NO ONE TO HANG OUT WITH. Don't get me wrong, one of my best friends lives just 10 minutes from me, but she doesn't really want to go out. In all the years I've known her, she has never once gone to the club or a party with me. And sometimes I feel like she's more focused on boys than me.

When it's all said and done, I need to make new friends in the Durham/Chapel Hill area... but HOW do I do that?

ps... I miss my school-friends *sadface*

Thursday, July 30, 2009

.. Self Confidence...

* I believe we live in a day and age where self-confidence is very hard to come by. Atleast for me. We focus so much on our physical appearance and have grown up comparing ourselves to the women on tv. But I think it's time for me to put those beliefs aside. My biggest pitfall is my weight. I'm a size 11/13 (depending on what kind of day i'm having. lol). And there are times that I feel downright FAT. I wanna be able to wear itty bitty dresses to the club, or skimpy bathing suits. But that's subscribing to the concept of the "ideal female body." And I have accepted that I may never be a "toothpick." What I truly want to be is healthy, mentally and physically. so here are some tips i found on developing Self-Confidence.

1. Stand like you have confidence. Sit like you have confidence. Walk like you have confidence. Ignore your mind for a while and simply concentrate on the physical attributes of confidence. If you maintain a confident stance long enough, your mind will certainly become convinced.

2. Listen to people. Actually smile at them, look them in the eyes and listen intently to determine what you can learn from them. If you truly listen you will soon find that there can be something learned from everyone. Learning from people and knowing people allows you to emulate the confident attributes of others.

3. Forget everything you see on television and in magazines with regard to the perfect body image. Ranking yourself against the buff laden magazine images can lead to a poor body image which is the perfect partner to a low self-esteem. People are much more likely to become friends with you if you are friendly, smiling and approachable in your manner than they are someone who simply fits the mold of a perfect body. You are a unique creation of God and perfect just as you are. Know your best attributes and play them off well. Once you begin to believe you are an attractive person and allow your personality to let it show you'll realize that the body images you've been fed by the media is a bunch of hooey—and you'll find you're not the only one who believes it. By all means it is healthy to have a good diet and exercise and once you are the healthiest you, you'll realize you are the best you that you can be.

4. Put your family and friends expectations of you out of your mind and follow your heart. People are all to quick to tell you how you should live your life when really its just an expression of their own shortcomings. Don't allow the shortcomings of others to affect your life negatively. No one but you knows your interests and aspirations. Work in the direction of your true loves and ignore everything that enters your consciousness going against your own desires.

5. Set goals. It's a great idea to keep a “Goals Book” and every time something enters your mind that you'd like to achieve, list it in the book. Soon you'll begin to see a pattern among all your goals. When you make conclusions about your goals you begin to see simple changes you can make in your life to make your goals a reality. There is no greater joy in life than to realize a goal and nothing builds confidence faster. Remember, no goal is too small to write in your book. In many instances, realizing small goals are as beneficial to your confidence as realizing the big ones.

6. Challenge your beliefs. Examine all of your beliefs closely and determine if they are in line with the life you desire. If they are not, toss them out. You may find it difficult to get rid of some of the deep seeded long standing beliefs, but, with true desire you can abandon negative beliefs about your self and as you do you will realize immense benefit in growing terrific self confidence and self-esteem.

7. Be your own hero. Perform the short exercise of writing down all the attributes that you admire in others. Be it benevolence, honesty, humor, integrity, whatever the case write it down. Go ahead, make it a long list. The more you note the attributes in others you'll begin to see the type of person that you truly want to be. Begin emulating these attributes into your own life one-by-one until you get through the entire list. Be prepared to enjoy the immense benefits of being your own hero—it feels great.

8. Get into the flow. Keep track of what motivates you and stay near those things. Whether it be reading a motivational book, listening to a lively sermon, or speaking to a loved one find the things that truly motivate you and fill your life with these things. Total immersion in motivation is a quick path to achieving goals, keeping positive thoughts, maintaining healthy relationships and having all the things you desire. Keep that motivational level up and see the miracles happen almost as if by magic.

9. Believe in a power greater than yourself. Determining what percentage of society actually believes in god is fraught with all sorts of room for error. After all, do they really believe? But, I believe it is safe to say that the greater majority of society, in some way, believes in a power greater than themselves. This is a wonderful aspect of human existence, to know there is a power that is governing, and that knows our good. Also, prayer and mediation is among the healthiest practices you can perform as a daily routine to help to get to the root of problems and sort out all of life's little questions. Knowing a power greater than yourself allows you the feeling that you are not alone and that you can truly believe in the power of miracles. Who couldn't use a miracle every now and then.

10. Get started. Don't expect changes right away and have patience in knowing that it takes time be the person you wish to be. There is truth in the old saying that the “joy is in the journey”. The wonderful thing about coming a more self-confident person is that little benefits start taking shape almost immediately and, they keep coming one after the other as long as you continue to keep a positive outlook and display your confidence for everyone to see.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Still I Rise

Still I Rise
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

*this is a poem that I think is simply beautiful. Young women everywhere should be proud of who they are. This makes me look in the mirror and say, "I love myself."*

I AM...

so here it is... I AM CONTENT WITH WHO I AM. I'm at a point in my life where I don't wanna be anyone other than I am. 

I'm not a diva. 
I don't own glamorous outfits. 
I don't go to the club every-other night. 
I don't leave men speechless when I walk by. 
I am loud and obnoxious.
I do my own thing. 
Gone are the days where I let others control my actions. 
I am a woman of Zeta Phi Beta. 
I chose my sorority based on love for my sisters. 
I'm not a pretty girl rockin' twenty pearls. 
I never desired to be one in a sea of millions. 
People say I'm random as hell.
I'm not a size 3 and I love it.
My breasts get in my way on a daily basis.
My hair has it's own personality and usually decides to misbehave.
I would shed blood for my loves in a heartbeat.
It doesn't take me forever to get ready to go out
I snore... loudly (so i'm told).
I wear alot of black.
I don't have cash to blow.
I'm kind of a tomboy.
I don't get straight A's.
I don't wear expensive jewelry.
I have a "happy-place" and it's not the mall.
I bite my fingernails.
I'm known to burp in public. 
I don't drive a flashy car. 
I don't follow the rules. 
Calling me beautiful will only make me ask you what you want.
I go through cellphones quick as hell.
I'm clumsy.
I don't always make good decisions.
I can't stand vegetables.
I don't like groupies.

yup... that's me... and I'm happy with who I am. This is for y'all who accept me for me and ignore my random moments. lol

The Life Rules of ME: